At exactly noon on Tuesday, November 25, 2008, the O.U.T.R.A.G.E. cameras were focused on a live telecast from within the Center for Disease Contol in Atlanta. Once again, a crowd of official-looking officials converged on the bank of microphones. A representative for the CDC introduced himself and opened the press conference by proclaiming that doctors had found the "mysterious malady" that seemed to be driving Osama binLaden stark-raving mad. The microisms floating through his blood stream were indicative of a virus most commonly associated with AIDS. "However," the spokesman warned, "this is not a typical AIDS strain; indeed, it's something doctors have never seen before...and we believe it to be caused by a bizarre series of events in Mr. binLaden's unconventional lifestyle."
It was common knowledge that binLaden had abandoned his family's wealth and privilege to become a symbol of the Muslim sects that would eventually pronounce a deatch sentence upon the United States of America. Using much of his personal wealth, binLaden had created a worldwide network of 'terrorists' who were intent on destroying the U.S.A. For all intents and purposes, binLaden represented a clique of radical insurgents dedicated to bringing down what they considered to be a nation of decadent people. binLaden's followers richly subscribed to the theory that if they died in this earthly battle against wealth, power and influence, their God would reward them with Heavenly treasures far exceeding those that could ever be obtained on Earth, including the one prize every self-respecting Arab was willing to die for: seven virgins!
Presumedly, in the hot, sandy deserts of the Middle East most 'common' Muslim women found the bearded, stinking, sweaty stench of most Muslim men to be less than appealing - in fact, most women found most Muslim men to be repulsive. That's why marriages had to be arranged; few women would ever voluntarily select a husband from this hoard of bachelors ripe from the heat of the sun that beat down on their thick black brows every moment of every day. Arab men were, perhaps, the closest living surviving descendants of Neanderthalman, a subspecies of humans that lived in the Stone Age. Bellowing, belligerent, and most likely half-crazed from the blazing heat, it was no wonder civil wars in this region of the world had gone on for 1,500 years. In the name of religion, these smelly, garrulous, uncivilized dullards continued their uncontrollable rantings and raving, apparently in the interests of serving their God. It could easily be assumed that there might be another motive: acting like madmen would keep women "in line", assuring that they would always be subservient and in obeyance of their husbands. So, these overblown, porcine males would demand obeisance from the women they wed, while expecting that their valor in all things warrior-like would win them seven sweet-smelling, perfect virgins if they died in battle - a dream most of these corpulent crackpots could never expect to enjoy while on Earth.
Osama binLaden, however, was a handsome man of eloquence, panache and stature. Women's hearts dissolved in those pools behind binLaden's dark, mysterious eyes. His svelte, tall, muscular body and calm demeanor seemed strangely out of place among a world filled with the blustery, portly swine most Arab women were familiar with; binLaden used his physical attributes to full advantage as he had traveled around the world recruiting his band of radical renegades. And, like strong enigmatic leaders everywhere, binLaden had taken advantage of his personal circumstances at every opportunity. Instead of waiting for his Heavenly reward after dying the death of a martyr, binLaden insisted on his ultimate reward right here on Earth. Whenever he frequented a reclusive "cell" of his devout followers, binLaden's advance men were required to ensure that his physical needs and spiritual pleasures would be accommodated: in addition to requests for special foods and beverages, binLaden also demanded that he be provided with seven virgins, to be available at his every beck and call. A conservative estimate, among those who were in a position to guesstimate, was that binLaden had made at least 100 visits per year for the better part of 22 years in his quest to destroy decadence. If, at each stop on his holy tour, binLaden received seven virgins as part of his "fee", the man's insatiable sexual appetites would have presumably deflowered 15,400 young ladies as he traveled the world and met with his disciples in swanky hotels or clusters of cold caves.
Doctors at the DCD concluded that it was "highly likely" not all of those 15,400 women were virgins. Having "been with" some of the most repugnant, odius cretins this side of Hell, it was also "very possible" that some of these women had contracted rare and unusual diseases as a result of sexual contact with men whose genitals had been bitten by swarming insects, who might have had invasive confrontations with scorpions or poisonous spiders, or whose penises could have been infected from having sex with animals or other of God's creatures. Imagine, if you can, that the bodily fluids, puss, diseased semen, and possibly even fetid excrement from these whoredog's joysticks were passed on to a parcel of these sweet young beauties - who, in turn - and probably unknowingly - passed it all onto binLaden. Al Capone's brain was devoured by syphilis; Osama binLaden's bloodstream was swimming with God-knows-what-kind-of syphilitic intrusions. Doctors were certain that it was just a matter of time before binLaden's brain would also be eaten away, driving him mad, and resulting in a most excrutiating death. As one doctor said at the end of the press conference, "We've never ever seen such massive invasion of a human being's body by such a broad range of invasive cultures. This is truly a case for the medical history books."
The irony was tantalizing: here was a man who initiated wars to decry the decadence and sinful ways of America. A man whose religious beliefs supposedly took priority in his life on Earth, and into the afterlife. binLaden chastized Americans for their preoccupation with all things sexual and perverse, and their obsession with money and power. Yet, he had money and power - and his money and power brought him what most Americans' money and power brought them: unbridled pleasure, intrinsic emptiness, and - eventually, a lonely, agonizing end to one's life.
The further irony was how binLaden's criticism of Americans' greed, wealth, power, and influence mirrored that of the O.U.T.R.A.G.E. organization, which preached against the evils of the flesh, denounced those who exercised their power and influence over others, and had killed hundreds of thousands of people just because they had squandered their fortunes on themselves and their own personal pleasures without caring about those in the world who were less fortunate.
U.S. politicians, religious leaders, prominent socialites, wealthy elitists, corporate greedheads, and famous celebrities had died because of they way they squandered their money on themselves. Now, it seemed, one of America's arch enemies and a seemingly bastion of "the truth" was just as decadent as his American counterparts. Privately, doctors didn't give binLaden more than a month to live. He must have realized that, which is why he turned himself in: even the most scurrilous of us must come to peace with ourselves before we meet our Maker.
It was common knowledge that binLaden had abandoned his family's wealth and privilege to become a symbol of the Muslim sects that would eventually pronounce a deatch sentence upon the United States of America. Using much of his personal wealth, binLaden had created a worldwide network of 'terrorists' who were intent on destroying the U.S.A. For all intents and purposes, binLaden represented a clique of radical insurgents dedicated to bringing down what they considered to be a nation of decadent people. binLaden's followers richly subscribed to the theory that if they died in this earthly battle against wealth, power and influence, their God would reward them with Heavenly treasures far exceeding those that could ever be obtained on Earth, including the one prize every self-respecting Arab was willing to die for: seven virgins!
Presumedly, in the hot, sandy deserts of the Middle East most 'common' Muslim women found the bearded, stinking, sweaty stench of most Muslim men to be less than appealing - in fact, most women found most Muslim men to be repulsive. That's why marriages had to be arranged; few women would ever voluntarily select a husband from this hoard of bachelors ripe from the heat of the sun that beat down on their thick black brows every moment of every day. Arab men were, perhaps, the closest living surviving descendants of Neanderthalman, a subspecies of humans that lived in the Stone Age. Bellowing, belligerent, and most likely half-crazed from the blazing heat, it was no wonder civil wars in this region of the world had gone on for 1,500 years. In the name of religion, these smelly, garrulous, uncivilized dullards continued their uncontrollable rantings and raving, apparently in the interests of serving their God. It could easily be assumed that there might be another motive: acting like madmen would keep women "in line", assuring that they would always be subservient and in obeyance of their husbands. So, these overblown, porcine males would demand obeisance from the women they wed, while expecting that their valor in all things warrior-like would win them seven sweet-smelling, perfect virgins if they died in battle - a dream most of these corpulent crackpots could never expect to enjoy while on Earth.
Osama binLaden, however, was a handsome man of eloquence, panache and stature. Women's hearts dissolved in those pools behind binLaden's dark, mysterious eyes. His svelte, tall, muscular body and calm demeanor seemed strangely out of place among a world filled with the blustery, portly swine most Arab women were familiar with; binLaden used his physical attributes to full advantage as he had traveled around the world recruiting his band of radical renegades. And, like strong enigmatic leaders everywhere, binLaden had taken advantage of his personal circumstances at every opportunity. Instead of waiting for his Heavenly reward after dying the death of a martyr, binLaden insisted on his ultimate reward right here on Earth. Whenever he frequented a reclusive "cell" of his devout followers, binLaden's advance men were required to ensure that his physical needs and spiritual pleasures would be accommodated: in addition to requests for special foods and beverages, binLaden also demanded that he be provided with seven virgins, to be available at his every beck and call. A conservative estimate, among those who were in a position to guesstimate, was that binLaden had made at least 100 visits per year for the better part of 22 years in his quest to destroy decadence. If, at each stop on his holy tour, binLaden received seven virgins as part of his "fee", the man's insatiable sexual appetites would have presumably deflowered 15,400 young ladies as he traveled the world and met with his disciples in swanky hotels or clusters of cold caves.
Doctors at the DCD concluded that it was "highly likely" not all of those 15,400 women were virgins. Having "been with" some of the most repugnant, odius cretins this side of Hell, it was also "very possible" that some of these women had contracted rare and unusual diseases as a result of sexual contact with men whose genitals had been bitten by swarming insects, who might have had invasive confrontations with scorpions or poisonous spiders, or whose penises could have been infected from having sex with animals or other of God's creatures. Imagine, if you can, that the bodily fluids, puss, diseased semen, and possibly even fetid excrement from these whoredog's joysticks were passed on to a parcel of these sweet young beauties - who, in turn - and probably unknowingly - passed it all onto binLaden. Al Capone's brain was devoured by syphilis; Osama binLaden's bloodstream was swimming with God-knows-what-kind-of syphilitic intrusions. Doctors were certain that it was just a matter of time before binLaden's brain would also be eaten away, driving him mad, and resulting in a most excrutiating death. As one doctor said at the end of the press conference, "We've never ever seen such massive invasion of a human being's body by such a broad range of invasive cultures. This is truly a case for the medical history books."
The irony was tantalizing: here was a man who initiated wars to decry the decadence and sinful ways of America. A man whose religious beliefs supposedly took priority in his life on Earth, and into the afterlife. binLaden chastized Americans for their preoccupation with all things sexual and perverse, and their obsession with money and power. Yet, he had money and power - and his money and power brought him what most Americans' money and power brought them: unbridled pleasure, intrinsic emptiness, and - eventually, a lonely, agonizing end to one's life.
The further irony was how binLaden's criticism of Americans' greed, wealth, power, and influence mirrored that of the O.U.T.R.A.G.E. organization, which preached against the evils of the flesh, denounced those who exercised their power and influence over others, and had killed hundreds of thousands of people just because they had squandered their fortunes on themselves and their own personal pleasures without caring about those in the world who were less fortunate.
U.S. politicians, religious leaders, prominent socialites, wealthy elitists, corporate greedheads, and famous celebrities had died because of they way they squandered their money on themselves. Now, it seemed, one of America's arch enemies and a seemingly bastion of "the truth" was just as decadent as his American counterparts. Privately, doctors didn't give binLaden more than a month to live. He must have realized that, which is why he turned himself in: even the most scurrilous of us must come to peace with ourselves before we meet our Maker.
posted by Bushwacker! at 5:55 AM
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