Sunday, September 21, 2008, was a typical first-day-of-autumn around the United States of America. Eight months after the elusive organization called O.U.T.R.A.G.E. had assassinated President Bush, Vice-President Cheney, most administration officials, almost all elected politicians inside the beltway, and the majority of federal bureaucrats, things were returning to normal - slowly but surely. As O.U.T.R.A.G.E. conducted forums and televised political messages from its St. Kitts headquarters, it also served as a clearinghouse for all the new political parties - and candidates - who would be on the ballot in the nation's November elections. Each party had its own agenda, and many parties were being encouraged to join forces with others to try and minimize a lot of duplication for voters. To get any financial assistance from O.U.T.R.A.G.E., candidates had to sign a pledge of moral integrity, vowing to adhere to the O.U.T.R.A.G.E. criteria, which included strict term limts as well as a host of other demands. Candidates and political parties endorsed by O.U.T.R.A.G.E. were only those who recognized in no uncertain terms that they were public servants, and would not in any way be allowed to enrich themselves or gain ungainly power from their pubic servitude.
Acronyms abounded as parties tried to sum up their political platforms with a series of letters that would spell some easily-remembered word. One such party was the O.U.T.L.A.W. party (Outlaw Unimportant, Thickheaded Laws Affecting Worrywarts). The primary platform of this party was that there were too many federal, state, and local laws 'on the books' that had no right to be part of a constitutional society. Laws, however well-intended, were being passed by idiot politicians to pacify a small group of constituents at the expense of other constituents' freedoms. One most recent example had been a law passed in Clifton, NJ making it illegal for a dog to bark for more than a half-hour at a time. In 2006, the City of Clifton had sent out eleven letters warning dog owners that a summons could be issued if their dog kept barking incessantly. A year later, the Clifton City Council made it illegal for 3,756 licensed dog owners to let their pet bark for long periods of time! So a law was passed to punish less than 3-tenths-of-one-percent of the city's dog owners! Couldn't the Clifton City Council have found more productive ways to pass their time? How would this ordinance be enforced? If the police were called, it was the dog owners' word against the plaintiff's word that the dog had been barking for more than 30 minutes. How incredibly insipid could this law be? We all have to put up with disruptive noises, including thunder from thunderstorms, howling winds during tornadoes, rap lovers playing their boom boxes too loud, noisy trucks and fast cars with loud mufflers, and - yes, even barking dogs and meowing cats. If a barking dog disturbed your sleep, couldn't you wear earplugs? Evidently that solution was too simple for legislators to consider.
Across the country, such insipid laws had consumed lawmakers' time, cost taxpayers bllions of wasted dollars, and created thinly-veiled versions of George Orwell's "thought police". Citizens, in many states and counties, weren't allowed to exercise their personal freedoms because it might create discomfort for others.
Too many laws had been passed to accommodate the wealthy elitists. In many states, "cherry master" gaming machines were deemed illegal in local bars and taverns, but gambling on riverboats or casinos owned by multi-billion-dollar corporations was perfectly legal. State lotteries were sponsored by virtually every state in the union, but it was against the law for a bar to having any kinds of gaming devices on its premises. If gamling contributed to the moral decay of the populace, why was it okay for the state to generate revenue from such sinful activity, or why was there ample opportunity for the 'high rollers' to visit casinos, off-track betting parlors, and horse racing tracks where billions could be pissed away on a 'fun-filled' weekend?
These kinds of discrimnation laws, of course, were the result of extensive lobbying by the greedheads who weren't satisfied with their lions' share of the gaming market. They wanted it all, and they lined politicians' pockets to ensure that gambling would be a business reserved only for billionaire investors. They wanted all the money from gambling addicts; there was no room for penny-ante poker games at the neighborhood tavern of the local American Legion.
The smoking bans across the country were also hypocritical attempts at trying to regulate 'sin'. If smoking was such a health hazard, the easiest thing to do would be to outlaw the manufacture, distribution and sale of cigarettes. But politicians didn't see it that way because they couldn't walk away from the billions of dollars they collected in taxes from cigarette manufacturers, distributors and retailers. So they put the burden on the 'little guy'. He couldn't smoke in a restaurant, or a bar, or - in some states - any public place. Small business owners were saddled with the expenses of creating 'designated smoking areas' for customers and employees. The 'cigarette police' were charged with trying to enforce unenforceable laws, all so the politicians could pound their chests and say, "Look at the good things we do for our society." Of course, politicians would never admit to secluding themselves inside their private clubs, where they inhaled the pleasures of their expensive imported cigars, elegant pipes, and upscale cigarettes, discreetly hidden from public view.
O.U.T.R.A.G.E. heartily endorsed the efforts of the O.U.T.L.A.W. Party, and offered a grant to help fund research on all the insipid, inane laws past by archaic, arrogant, affluent politicians. The O.U.T.R.A.G.E. ideal was all about equality and fairness for all, regardless of their status, wealth, creed, skin color or power within our society.
Upon receiving its grant, O.U.T.L.A.W. announced on September 21, 2008 that it would implement one of the nation's most aggressive initiatives ever to eliminate unfair and unecessary legislation. Spearheading this immense effort would be a giant of a man whose passion for such inequities was well documented: an old friend of the Adams-Ryan-Oetting-Baker (AROB) team, Ron "Doc" Doctor. A lime-green O.U.T.R.A.G.E. bus was provided, with all the ammenities, so that 'Doc" could begin his tour of the country, busting up cozy liaisons between politicians and the powerful. Surely Doc's bus would - at times - hook up with the Patrick-Patrick tour, or with Jil Adams' bus tours. As these eye-catching bright green vehicles lumbered across the country, Americans would be sent a message: this IS America, land of the free, home of the brave, and a solace for fairness, truth, justice and the American way!