As promised yesterday, the next update on Osama binLaden's condition came at precisely twelve o'clock noon on Wednesday, November 26, 2008. Again, doctors and hospital administrators posed in front of the cameras to participate in the reporting, and to be available for questions. This time, the chief spokesperson was a diminutive dark-haired woman of Asian descent, who quietly announced that there was a "cure" for binLaden's concoction of STD's, but "that cure is almost impossible to come by". Scientists, over recent years, had been testing thousands of possible "cure" that could be extracted from animals or rare plants. By sheer luck, one scientist in Malaysia had discovered that the semen of the Proboscis monkey contained an unusual combination of microscopic amoeba that proved effective in killing off the virus strains that caused sexually-transmitted diseases in human beings. The testing was ongoing and was still in a "research and development mode", but the prognosis looked promising. "The probem," said the doctor, "is that these Proboscis monkeys live only on the island of Borneo among the thickets of mangrove roots. It is estimated that fewer than 7,500 of these monkeys remain the wild, and those in captivity seem to have lost the gene - or genes - necessary to produce the particular one-celled amoeba. That means we must rely on only the monkeys still 'in the wild' from which to extract this cure. As mangrove forests continue to be destroyed by man's quest for new development and construction, the medical community loses what might be a very promising cure for some of the world's worst diseases. From tigers and crocodiles, to rare species of hummingbirds and insects, man is quickly wiping out their principle habitats - mangrove forests. Because of such squander, new medicines and scientific breakthroughs cannot be brought to market. Unfortunately for Mr. binLaden, I don't believe we have the resources or the time to treat his terminal disease. Unfortunately, for the rest of the world, I doubt we'll ever be able to bring this valuable 'cure' to millions of sick and dying people around the world. For the sake of a new factory, or for the consruction of a new luxury housing development, we destroy the ecologically important mangrove forests, and - in turn - threaten these Proboscis monkeys with endangerment or extinction. It's a grim reality of our global society. We want new shopping malls, new waterfront homes, luxurious hotels, new tourist destinations, more factories and warehouses to supply our materialistic needs, all at the cost of shifting the fragile ecological balance between man, plants and animals that allows us all to survive on this planet." It was a stinging expose' on how consumerism had denied science opportunities for finding medicinal cures or treatments from within the Earth's environment."We were all put here on this Earth for a reason," she concluded, " - and, whether we're a tiny mite living off the back of a rare tarantula in the rain forests of Brazil, or a leader of a religious cult in the mountainous caverns of western Turkey, or a 'civilized' CEO of a major U.S. corporation, we all need each other."
In an enormous humanitarian gesture, O.U.T.R.A.G.E. immediately dispatched a plane full of scientists to Malaysia's Bako National Park in an effort to try and obtain sufficient semen from wild Proboscis monkeys and possibly save Osama binLaden from an agonizing death. While many now-deceased blunderheads like Shawn Hannity and Rush Limbaugh would have decried such goodness, this was a new example of how O.U.T.R.A.G.E. envisioned a new world full of sharing, caring and compassion for everyone - even our enemies. It was, of course, Biblical advice - but it was also the beginning of a "kinder, gentler" America that would no longer resort to 'war' or hatred or bullying among its planetary neighbors. "All men are created equal..." and ALL men would deserve the sanctity and dignity of being treated as equals.