Saturday, January 10, 2009 was a busy day as snow-covered O.U.T.R.A.G.E. vehicles shuttled back and forth between the Baker's pig farm near Story City, Iowa and the DesMoines airport where O.U.T.R.A.G.E. planes were landing, delivering many of the newly-elected Congressional candidates. By mid-morning, despite a squall of snow flurries that suddenly appeared out of nowhere, the Double B pig farm was bustling with activity. Television cameras were recording impromptu interviews with the newly-elected personalities, many of whom were virtually unknown except in their immediate communities.
A lot of ground needed to be covered, but no one was prepared for what happened at precisely 10:00 a.m. Phil Baker's "next-door neighbor", the man who owned the dairy farm a few miles down the road, came to the party accompanied by a huge herd of his dairy cows! It seems Baker had wandered over for 'visit' yesterday, had a few too many Rum & Diets, and then recruited his neighbor to help with a visual demonstration for Baker's guests. Baker knew that one of the topics on the agenda would be the environment, global warming, and the depletion of the ozone layer. Always the eternal optimist, Baker had been disgruntled over what he considered "overkill" on the subject; he simply didn't believe that global warming was so big a deal. To visually demonstrate his argument, he'd arranged for the dairy farmer to feed his cows a gaseous 'breakfast' of hay mixed with refried beans, an especially-spicey salsa, and some curdled cheese and sour milk the drunken dairy farmer hadn't yet thrown out. With TV cameras rolling, Baker directed the cows to an enclosed outbuilding that had been vacant and unused for a number of years. Then Baker began with a televised tirade to America:
"Folks," he said, "the United Nations issued a report not too long ago that claimed livestock is more responsible for global warming than all the smoke-belching factories and vehicle emissions produced by man. The UN's Food & Agriculture Organization has determined that 30% of the planet's land area is taken up by the world's 1,500,000,000 cattle; another trillion-and-a-half sheep; about a billion pigs; and 20 billion chickens! As farmers continue to clear more land so that their animals can graze, deforestation occurs. So all these idiot tree huggers can stop blaming Earth's 6 billion human beings for the ill-effects of global warming. It's all these damn animals!! Methane emissions are a natural bi-product of these bovine's digestion......now, to be sure, most cattle don't eat beans and cheese as part of their normal diet, but - even so - the nitrogen in their manure can account for almost 20% of the global warming affect! The United Nations claims methane from cattle is twenty times more damaging than a similar amount of carbon dioxide. So aren't we being a little overreactive when we blame man and his vehicle emissions when a preponderance of the problem causing global warming comes from methane emission?? With the help of my esteemed neighbor, who voluntarily has allowed the use of a small herd of his cows, I wish to conduct a biological experiment here today, These cows have been 'primed' for this experiment with a diet specifically intended to increase their flatulence. I know what happens when I eat beans and cheese...I can only imagine what's going to happen when a hundred cows 'let loose' inside this empty building! After about an hour, the dairy farmer took his cows back home. Baker opened the small side door and 'took a whif' of what even he had to describe as the 'most repugnant aroma I've ever had go up my nostrils'. The odorifereous blend of hay, refried beans, salsa, sour milk and curdled cheese filled the small building, Baker tossed a lighted flare into the building and - WHOOOOM! - a mushroom cloud of gas formed in the cold Iowa atmosphere as the building collapsed in flames. To observers' astonishment, the cloud of stink lingered for a while, but soon began to dissipate into the air. The burning building was quickly reduced to a pile of ash as farm hands extinguished the flames. "All I've got to say," pronounced Baker with a slight smirk on his face, "is that if we can find a way to harness cow farts, we might be able to dramatically minimize the effects of global warming on our Earth and might - at the same time - develop a whole new form of energy! So I'm challenging anyone out there to find a way to bottle up all this stench and turn it into something good for America - and the world! I personally will offer a $50,000 cash prize to the first person who comes up with a viable, reliable, efficient, and practical way to capture this natural source of energy!" With that, Baker slowly turned around while still speaking. As he said, "Hell, who knows? If we can invent something that works for cow farts, maybe we can even create a way to bottle up all the human flatulence that gets blown out into the atmosphere every single day!" Two things then happened in a blur: "Hammy" showed up out of nowhere and planted himself next to Baker. In an instant, both men - laughing so ahrd they could hardly stand up - dropped their drawers, mooned the television audience and let rip with a symphony of unpleasant, fragrant, inflated flatulence.
Janie looked on in horror, and her fuming from yesterday boiled over again. "So THAT'S where he was all day yesterday? While the rest of us worked our butts off, Phil was planning this little fart-fest!" Her rage mixed with wonderment as she asked herself, "Does he realize this was on international television??" Hammy and Phil were rolling on the ground, trying to get their pants pulled up, but laughing so hard, unidentified fluids were coming out of their noses and drool ran from their mouths down their chins. Finally, Hammy composed himself enough to stand up, buckle his pants, and peer into the cameras. "YEAAAAAAH!! What's up, my brothas??" He helped Phil assume an upright stance, and then the two of them turned stone-sober to the cameras and said, "We know this was a little outlandish, and perhaps offensive to some...but we wanted this celebration to start off 'with a bang'.....America has been through a lot in the past year. We're going to see significant changes in the way our social, economic and political venues are managed. To those whom we offended, we apologize. To those who realize the point we were trying to make, we urge you to join us in a new quest for America. We must focus on our environment; we must bring peace and harmony to all the world; we must rebuild our nation. And we can't do it if we're down in the dumps and feeling sorry for ourselves. We can do it and have fun doing it, regardless of the tragic circumstances that caused this country's collapse. The celebration you'll witness this weekend will introduce you to our new political leadership. You will begin to see what's going to happen after these people are officially installed next week. While we will expect to see outstanding and serious changes in the way our American spirit revitalizes itself, we should also expect to watch as our gregarious American sense of good humor and happiness remains at an all-time high. We are in the midsts of the 'Great Depression II'; we are in the throes of social. economic and political upheaval. This is no time for us to lose our good nature and our love of laughter." With that, Phil inadvertently let another one rip.....and the cameras faded to black.
A lot of ground needed to be covered, but no one was prepared for what happened at precisely 10:00 a.m. Phil Baker's "next-door neighbor", the man who owned the dairy farm a few miles down the road, came to the party accompanied by a huge herd of his dairy cows! It seems Baker had wandered over for 'visit' yesterday, had a few too many Rum & Diets, and then recruited his neighbor to help with a visual demonstration for Baker's guests. Baker knew that one of the topics on the agenda would be the environment, global warming, and the depletion of the ozone layer. Always the eternal optimist, Baker had been disgruntled over what he considered "overkill" on the subject; he simply didn't believe that global warming was so big a deal. To visually demonstrate his argument, he'd arranged for the dairy farmer to feed his cows a gaseous 'breakfast' of hay mixed with refried beans, an especially-spicey salsa, and some curdled cheese and sour milk the drunken dairy farmer hadn't yet thrown out. With TV cameras rolling, Baker directed the cows to an enclosed outbuilding that had been vacant and unused for a number of years. Then Baker began with a televised tirade to America:
"Folks," he said, "the United Nations issued a report not too long ago that claimed livestock is more responsible for global warming than all the smoke-belching factories and vehicle emissions produced by man. The UN's Food & Agriculture Organization has determined that 30% of the planet's land area is taken up by the world's 1,500,000,000 cattle; another trillion-and-a-half sheep; about a billion pigs; and 20 billion chickens! As farmers continue to clear more land so that their animals can graze, deforestation occurs. So all these idiot tree huggers can stop blaming Earth's 6 billion human beings for the ill-effects of global warming. It's all these damn animals!! Methane emissions are a natural bi-product of these bovine's digestion......now, to be sure, most cattle don't eat beans and cheese as part of their normal diet, but - even so - the nitrogen in their manure can account for almost 20% of the global warming affect! The United Nations claims methane from cattle is twenty times more damaging than a similar amount of carbon dioxide. So aren't we being a little overreactive when we blame man and his vehicle emissions when a preponderance of the problem causing global warming comes from methane emission?? With the help of my esteemed neighbor, who voluntarily has allowed the use of a small herd of his cows, I wish to conduct a biological experiment here today, These cows have been 'primed' for this experiment with a diet specifically intended to increase their flatulence. I know what happens when I eat beans and cheese...I can only imagine what's going to happen when a hundred cows 'let loose' inside this empty building! After about an hour, the dairy farmer took his cows back home. Baker opened the small side door and 'took a whif' of what even he had to describe as the 'most repugnant aroma I've ever had go up my nostrils'. The odorifereous blend of hay, refried beans, salsa, sour milk and curdled cheese filled the small building, Baker tossed a lighted flare into the building and - WHOOOOM! - a mushroom cloud of gas formed in the cold Iowa atmosphere as the building collapsed in flames. To observers' astonishment, the cloud of stink lingered for a while, but soon began to dissipate into the air. The burning building was quickly reduced to a pile of ash as farm hands extinguished the flames. "All I've got to say," pronounced Baker with a slight smirk on his face, "is that if we can find a way to harness cow farts, we might be able to dramatically minimize the effects of global warming on our Earth and might - at the same time - develop a whole new form of energy! So I'm challenging anyone out there to find a way to bottle up all this stench and turn it into something good for America - and the world! I personally will offer a $50,000 cash prize to the first person who comes up with a viable, reliable, efficient, and practical way to capture this natural source of energy!" With that, Baker slowly turned around while still speaking. As he said, "Hell, who knows? If we can invent something that works for cow farts, maybe we can even create a way to bottle up all the human flatulence that gets blown out into the atmosphere every single day!" Two things then happened in a blur: "Hammy" showed up out of nowhere and planted himself next to Baker. In an instant, both men - laughing so ahrd they could hardly stand up - dropped their drawers, mooned the television audience and let rip with a symphony of unpleasant, fragrant, inflated flatulence.
Janie looked on in horror, and her fuming from yesterday boiled over again. "So THAT'S where he was all day yesterday? While the rest of us worked our butts off, Phil was planning this little fart-fest!" Her rage mixed with wonderment as she asked herself, "Does he realize this was on international television??" Hammy and Phil were rolling on the ground, trying to get their pants pulled up, but laughing so hard, unidentified fluids were coming out of their noses and drool ran from their mouths down their chins. Finally, Hammy composed himself enough to stand up, buckle his pants, and peer into the cameras. "YEAAAAAAH!! What's up, my brothas??" He helped Phil assume an upright stance, and then the two of them turned stone-sober to the cameras and said, "We know this was a little outlandish, and perhaps offensive to some...but we wanted this celebration to start off 'with a bang'.....America has been through a lot in the past year. We're going to see significant changes in the way our social, economic and political venues are managed. To those whom we offended, we apologize. To those who realize the point we were trying to make, we urge you to join us in a new quest for America. We must focus on our environment; we must bring peace and harmony to all the world; we must rebuild our nation. And we can't do it if we're down in the dumps and feeling sorry for ourselves. We can do it and have fun doing it, regardless of the tragic circumstances that caused this country's collapse. The celebration you'll witness this weekend will introduce you to our new political leadership. You will begin to see what's going to happen after these people are officially installed next week. While we will expect to see outstanding and serious changes in the way our American spirit revitalizes itself, we should also expect to watch as our gregarious American sense of good humor and happiness remains at an all-time high. We are in the midsts of the 'Great Depression II'; we are in the throes of social. economic and political upheaval. This is no time for us to lose our good nature and our love of laughter." With that, Phil inadvertently let another one rip.....and the cameras faded to black.
posted by Bushwacker! at 7:07 AM
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