Immediately following the HOE-HO-HO Christmas celebration, Phil and Janie Baker headed back to their Iowa farm for a much-needed respite - and to take care of some pressing matters regarding the farm hands who had been left in charge. The Double B Pig Farm was one of the largest suppliers of high-grade swine in America; many of the country's top pork producers relied on the "Double B" for its premium stock. The Bakers has long ago decided that they would never get into the slaughterhouse business, nor would they expand into processing, manufacturing, or distribution. "All we wanna do is raise them rascally little pink mud puppies from the time they're piglets 'til they grow up ready to be served in America's best five-star restaurants," Baker had been quoted as saying in a trade association publication once his farm had achieved national status. "You might say we've gone 'whole hog'!"
Phil and Janie had hired Mike and 'Hot" Donna Osborne to manage the farm for them. But, as Mike and Donna got more involved in the O.U.T.R.A.G.E. movement, they were away from the farm as much as the Bakers were. Mike's military experience gave him strong leadership skills, which complemented Donna's superb organizational skills. Together, they'd assembled a top-notch team of agriculture professionals, sales and marketing experts, and disciplined laborers who knew how to manage a prodigious pool of pudgy pigs. Mike and Donna had persuaded two other Hoosiers to relocate to the wide open spaces of the Bakers' aromatic Iowa estate: Bobby and 'Lovey' were a retired couple who had been permanent fixtures in one of Jil's first bars; Bobby had developed a chronic asthmatic condition that, doctors said, would only get worse if he continued to live in the pollen-infested atmosphere of Indiana. So, Bobby and Lovey packed up all their personal belongings and, like modern-day pioneers headed for a new frontier, settled for the fragrant 'fresh air' plop down in the middle of Iowa. For the first few months, everything was fine. Bobby and Lovey had helped Mike and Donna transform a rough crew of farm hands into a well-oiled team of professional pig purveyors. But after the O.U.T.R.A.G.E. bombings of January 17, and both coasts of America splattered by natural disasters a few months later, even Iowans were affected by the hoards of people heading inland, looking for new jobs and new places to put down roots. Iowa became a 21st century of the Dust Bowl from the 1920's as drought set in and there was fewer job opportunities for all the new 'immigrants'. As Mike and Donna left the farm in the capable hands of Bobby and Lovey, a combination of economic, environmental and employment issues collided. Bobby was pulling his hair out trying to keep the pig farm afloat; Lovey had her hands full driving off 'squatters' who felt they had a right to just come onto the farm and occupy its land. Turn-over was another problem as farm hands left in the middle of the night after getting their paycheck, never to be heard from again. The "mess tent" was actually an old barn converted into a rather accommodating kitchen and cafeteria where all the help were provided with free meals and snacks - and a fully-stocked bar also opened at 9:00 p.m. every night for all "Double B" employees. "Complimentary alcohol" had always been one of Phil's favorite phrases, and now he was offering this very valuable 'perk' to all of his employees, at Mike and Donna's urging. "It will keep the crews from going into town, getting all drunked up, and risking arrests or accidents on their way home," Donna had argued. "Besides," said Mike, "it also keep our staff stable. If they don't get to town much, the chances of them being wooed away by another neighboring pig farm are minimal." Phil and Janie agreed; the 'Double B" Bar became one helluva watering hole for the hundreds of "Double B" workers.
As the first hint of 2008's winter set in, Bobby and Lovey were "up to their shoulders in pig shit" - literally and figuratively. Managing this awesome operation was becoming more problematic, especially with Phil, Janie, Mike and Donna "on the road" so much. As is often the case when Bobby gets overwhelmed, he decided to open the bar 'early' one night just so that he and Lovey could enjoy a little 'quiet time' before the crews started straggling in at 9:00. Long story short, Bobby started sucking down those ice cold beers a little too eagerly...and - as is often the case when Lovey and Bobby allow themselves to be overserved - Lovey gets..........well, "lovey".......
And their voices unite in the pale moonlight and Bobby gets tight and Lovey gets right and - DYNAMITE! - Lovey was as beautiful as Bobby had ever remembered her in their 45 years of marriage. In the throes of passion, Lovey took Bobby right there on that 26-foot long oak bar - and with unbridled abandon, the activity got out of hand in a hurry. Suddenly, Bobby was chasing Lovey around the bar, completely naked, booze bottles being randomly swept off the backbar and crashing to the floor. 'Come 'er, you," Bobby would yell, his manhood serving almost as a divining rod searching for a cool pool of wet and wild water! The thrashing and smashing continued unabated for almost an hour until - suddenly - there was a still, a calmness, a serenity, that seemed to permeate the bar. Bobby and Lovey untangled themselves from their tryst to see thirteen "Double B" farm hands standing awestruck and mute. It seems that Bobby and Lovey had, in their passionate haste, forgotten about the security cameras that inobtrusively had recorded the entire love fest for the entire staff to see. Bobby pulled his overhauls back on and said, "What the fuck, you guys might as well come in and have a drink." Providing free alcohol to a bunch of horny farm hands who had just witnessed a scene of reckless abandonment - and who hadn't been with a woman of their own for months - was perhaps not the brightest idea. The more they drank, the more they talked about the vivid images they'd just watched on the security monitors. The more they talked, the hoo-hah and eroticism of the video tugged at their libidos. By midnight, a convoy of drunken, horny farm hands were making a beeline for the pig stys to satisfy their pent-up frustrations. 'Oh, Good God," Bobby exclaimed to Lovey, "those damn drunks are gonna' go after Phil's prize pigs! We can't let that happen! Quick! Call Christine!"
Christine was the madam of the nearest whorehouse, about thirty miles from the 'Double B". A redheaded spitfire who had once addressed an early O.U.T.R.A.G.E. telecast concerning one of the organization's resolutions, she hadn't been heard from for months. She'd relocated to the middle of Iowa with Donna and Mike, Phil and Janie, and Bobby and Lovey. Deciding that pig farming wasn't her "thing", she and her "main squeeze", John, opened their elegant house of ill repute to take advantage of all the lonely men heading inland from the devastated coasts of the U.S.A. Even when money was in short supply, most men had an extra fifty for a few bottles of Beam and an extra hundred for a an hour's worth of 'companionship'.
"Quick, Christine," Lovey panted into the phone. "Get all your girls down here before all hell breaks loose!" John loaded up the brothel's three stretch limos with thirty five bawdy, but beautiful, broads and headed to the 'Double B", condoms and whiskey at the ready. As the sleek silver-and-black Lincolns screeched to a halt, Bobby guided the girls into the barns where there was already a riot of squealing pigs running from frightening farm hands who were ready and willing to fill any available orific in which to satisfy their wanton needs. As the girls tried to distract the men from attacking the prize pigs, the men seemed confused as to exactly what was going on (not to mention how frazzled those poor pigs were!). It was clearly an exercise in futility as emotionally-scarred pigs, half-naked farm hands, nearly-naked hookers, slimy pig shit, broken booze bottles, and an ugly blend of cigarette smoke, human seat, animal stench, and cheap perfume all mixed together in the chilly winter Iowan air. By the time Phil and Janie and Mike and Donna were able to restore order, the farm hands' libidoes had been well satisfied, the swine had calmed down, and the hookers were piled back in the limousines. "This can't ever happen again," swore Phil Baker. "My pigs have to be protected from such decadence!" That's when he asked John and Christine to relocate their 'business' to the "Double B" Pig Farm. Christine and John readily agreed;
Phil and Janie had hired Mike and 'Hot" Donna Osborne to manage the farm for them. But, as Mike and Donna got more involved in the O.U.T.R.A.G.E. movement, they were away from the farm as much as the Bakers were. Mike's military experience gave him strong leadership skills, which complemented Donna's superb organizational skills. Together, they'd assembled a top-notch team of agriculture professionals, sales and marketing experts, and disciplined laborers who knew how to manage a prodigious pool of pudgy pigs. Mike and Donna had persuaded two other Hoosiers to relocate to the wide open spaces of the Bakers' aromatic Iowa estate: Bobby and 'Lovey' were a retired couple who had been permanent fixtures in one of Jil's first bars; Bobby had developed a chronic asthmatic condition that, doctors said, would only get worse if he continued to live in the pollen-infested atmosphere of Indiana. So, Bobby and Lovey packed up all their personal belongings and, like modern-day pioneers headed for a new frontier, settled for the fragrant 'fresh air' plop down in the middle of Iowa. For the first few months, everything was fine. Bobby and Lovey had helped Mike and Donna transform a rough crew of farm hands into a well-oiled team of professional pig purveyors. But after the O.U.T.R.A.G.E. bombings of January 17, and both coasts of America splattered by natural disasters a few months later, even Iowans were affected by the hoards of people heading inland, looking for new jobs and new places to put down roots. Iowa became a 21st century of the Dust Bowl from the 1920's as drought set in and there was fewer job opportunities for all the new 'immigrants'. As Mike and Donna left the farm in the capable hands of Bobby and Lovey, a combination of economic, environmental and employment issues collided. Bobby was pulling his hair out trying to keep the pig farm afloat; Lovey had her hands full driving off 'squatters' who felt they had a right to just come onto the farm and occupy its land. Turn-over was another problem as farm hands left in the middle of the night after getting their paycheck, never to be heard from again. The "mess tent" was actually an old barn converted into a rather accommodating kitchen and cafeteria where all the help were provided with free meals and snacks - and a fully-stocked bar also opened at 9:00 p.m. every night for all "Double B" employees. "Complimentary alcohol" had always been one of Phil's favorite phrases, and now he was offering this very valuable 'perk' to all of his employees, at Mike and Donna's urging. "It will keep the crews from going into town, getting all drunked up, and risking arrests or accidents on their way home," Donna had argued. "Besides," said Mike, "it also keep our staff stable. If they don't get to town much, the chances of them being wooed away by another neighboring pig farm are minimal." Phil and Janie agreed; the 'Double B" Bar became one helluva watering hole for the hundreds of "Double B" workers.
As the first hint of 2008's winter set in, Bobby and Lovey were "up to their shoulders in pig shit" - literally and figuratively. Managing this awesome operation was becoming more problematic, especially with Phil, Janie, Mike and Donna "on the road" so much. As is often the case when Bobby gets overwhelmed, he decided to open the bar 'early' one night just so that he and Lovey could enjoy a little 'quiet time' before the crews started straggling in at 9:00. Long story short, Bobby started sucking down those ice cold beers a little too eagerly...and - as is often the case when Lovey and Bobby allow themselves to be overserved - Lovey gets..........well, "lovey".......
And their voices unite in the pale moonlight and Bobby gets tight and Lovey gets right and - DYNAMITE! - Lovey was as beautiful as Bobby had ever remembered her in their 45 years of marriage. In the throes of passion, Lovey took Bobby right there on that 26-foot long oak bar - and with unbridled abandon, the activity got out of hand in a hurry. Suddenly, Bobby was chasing Lovey around the bar, completely naked, booze bottles being randomly swept off the backbar and crashing to the floor. 'Come 'er, you," Bobby would yell, his manhood serving almost as a divining rod searching for a cool pool of wet and wild water! The thrashing and smashing continued unabated for almost an hour until - suddenly - there was a still, a calmness, a serenity, that seemed to permeate the bar. Bobby and Lovey untangled themselves from their tryst to see thirteen "Double B" farm hands standing awestruck and mute. It seems that Bobby and Lovey had, in their passionate haste, forgotten about the security cameras that inobtrusively had recorded the entire love fest for the entire staff to see. Bobby pulled his overhauls back on and said, "What the fuck, you guys might as well come in and have a drink." Providing free alcohol to a bunch of horny farm hands who had just witnessed a scene of reckless abandonment - and who hadn't been with a woman of their own for months - was perhaps not the brightest idea. The more they drank, the more they talked about the vivid images they'd just watched on the security monitors. The more they talked, the hoo-hah and eroticism of the video tugged at their libidos. By midnight, a convoy of drunken, horny farm hands were making a beeline for the pig stys to satisfy their pent-up frustrations. 'Oh, Good God," Bobby exclaimed to Lovey, "those damn drunks are gonna' go after Phil's prize pigs! We can't let that happen! Quick! Call Christine!"
Christine was the madam of the nearest whorehouse, about thirty miles from the 'Double B". A redheaded spitfire who had once addressed an early O.U.T.R.A.G.E. telecast concerning one of the organization's resolutions, she hadn't been heard from for months. She'd relocated to the middle of Iowa with Donna and Mike, Phil and Janie, and Bobby and Lovey. Deciding that pig farming wasn't her "thing", she and her "main squeeze", John, opened their elegant house of ill repute to take advantage of all the lonely men heading inland from the devastated coasts of the U.S.A. Even when money was in short supply, most men had an extra fifty for a few bottles of Beam and an extra hundred for a an hour's worth of 'companionship'.
"Quick, Christine," Lovey panted into the phone. "Get all your girls down here before all hell breaks loose!" John loaded up the brothel's three stretch limos with thirty five bawdy, but beautiful, broads and headed to the 'Double B", condoms and whiskey at the ready. As the sleek silver-and-black Lincolns screeched to a halt, Bobby guided the girls into the barns where there was already a riot of squealing pigs running from frightening farm hands who were ready and willing to fill any available orific in which to satisfy their wanton needs. As the girls tried to distract the men from attacking the prize pigs, the men seemed confused as to exactly what was going on (not to mention how frazzled those poor pigs were!). It was clearly an exercise in futility as emotionally-scarred pigs, half-naked farm hands, nearly-naked hookers, slimy pig shit, broken booze bottles, and an ugly blend of cigarette smoke, human seat, animal stench, and cheap perfume all mixed together in the chilly winter Iowan air. By the time Phil and Janie and Mike and Donna were able to restore order, the farm hands' libidoes had been well satisfied, the swine had calmed down, and the hookers were piled back in the limousines. "This can't ever happen again," swore Phil Baker. "My pigs have to be protected from such decadence!" That's when he asked John and Christine to relocate their 'business' to the "Double B" Pig Farm. Christine and John readily agreed;
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